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During the time we spent together, he was pretty good to me, BUT was very verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive.
If I just wanted to hug him when he got home from work i was being "clingy and stupid B and needed to F off". Finally I left him, we stopped talking until a few months ago.
He wanted me to take him back but I refused, I told him I needed my time-that there was someone out there better than him for me. Then there was my second "sexual" experience. We werent in a relationship- I was introduced to him in march of this year by a mutual friend who had a crush on him during that time and still does. For months his friend hit on me and still does Then I began letting friends set me up on dates with people they knew or was related too, and one guy i really liked but after talking for two months he found that this woman who was nearly 50yrs old and had 7 kids and lived in a roach house was more important that a young girl with good hygiene and no kids I continuously declined not only because of the age difference but because of my friend having a crush on him.
Finally when he moved out of his married friends house and got a place of his own, i finally agreed to go over there.
We went on three dates, out to dinner, cuddling, watching movies- by the third date we had sex. Trust me I knew what i was doing, i mean-I knew if he and screwed around what the outcomes could be. So after about two weeks of screwing around I mentioned to him "I just wanna let you know that I think of us as friends with benefits.
For now? What the heck was that supposed to mean Friends said that meant he wanted more in time, and im like "not me. Hes 41, im in my early 20s. Hes already experienced life, Im still learning. I just want the sex. So I decided id use him for the sex until I found someone I actually liked better or whatever So for days I was pissed not because I wanted him as my man or anything but because I wanted the sex and there went my fun time five nights a week granted he really couldnt do it that much because "i was wearing him out" but he would do for the time being.
It was then i realized my addiction to sex- I've constantly thought about sex since I was like 11 years old- Ive always been curious, and after being with Beautiful women seeking sex Addison first guy who by the way complained that it was all i wanted to do it made sense- when im getting banged it IS all i wanna do. I love the feelings it gives me- Im in a completely different world when doing it- nothing matters- my morals, values, dreams, wishes, desires, and the rest of world no longer exists So i havent had it in nearly two weeks now.
And my minds been swarming with thoughts of sex. Sex is my drug. Now although I deeply desire someone to actually love, and someone who actually loves me- My heart is very bitter, repulsive, angry, burned. I keep trying to cry and tears wont come out. I dont know, if someone was to actually ever fall in love with me, if id be able to do the same, anymore. My heart has been ripped to shreds by the only two people I ever actually did fall in love with- My high school sweetheart, who i dont even know if he even actually did love me Ive never had anyone in love with me.
As soon as i start to feel something for someone, i get burned. I'm very very bitter. Which is crazy right? Because im like the most nicest person ever- I have a load of friends, i laugh all the time, i smile all the time, I goof off all the time- i work all the time. Im super outgoing, super friendly, and super kind. I dont know.
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